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Jun. 24th, 2011

I wonder if maybe, perhaps, I am a litle bit bipolar. Or perhaps ocd. With a little bit of pstd for good measure. But then I realize I probably just have trouble understanding how to react to my emotions. Hope is often brushed away by my family's fears (my mom will say something doubting or someone will worry too much. Like ooh don't join the peacecorps you could get raped. :/)

And when I'm happy I don't know how to deal with it either. I'm so quick to care if I feel like they care too. I am loving but it scares people. So they hurt me to get away. So next time around I get protective And afraid. I'm pretty much screwed right now. Unless I can somehow figure out how to stop myself from caring too much while being able to care at all. If I don't care at all I tend to hurt the other party, but if I care too much they hurt me.

Man-kind and our emotions are stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Eventually I will meet a normal human being with a normal capacity of emotions who will be deserving of my compassion. Until then, I will get my stupid bachleors degree over with and get the hell out of this stupid college town with the stupid alcoholics and their childish take on the world.

I need to do something better with my life. I miss affection. And (the illusion of) solidarity. I am not happy about ryan breaking up with me. But life will go on and he will just be a vague memory of someone who broke my heart in college. An episode in passing of "how I met your mother" but possibly "how I met your father" or "how I met your adoptive father of whom I am married to".

Greensboro has gotten very old.
I haven't been very expressive about my thoughts or feelings to anyone lately. I have been in the situation where I had the chance to say something about what is on my mind but I choose not to. I have been trying to be well adjusted. And part of that has been forgiving the past and not allowing it to define me.

I haven't been able to express my positive emotions that much either. I rarely post anything of importance on Facebook anymore. I'm never on here. My sister told me that she never wants to hear about who I date or who I like. So I don't really talk to anyone about anything personal.

I'm feeling a bit superficial. I know who I am but I don't think anyone else knows me 100%.

I care too much about what people will think about me.

hesitation

I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to say. But I don't. I'm tired of trying to move brick walls. I have a friend in Michigan and that is another brick wall! I give up. I don't want to date anyone right now. I wish my cat could go on vacation so I can just sit and think with no obligations. I just wish my horoscope was actually right, not another pile of useless words. I've got to stop listening to randomly generated words and believing them as fact. Damn, I wish I had a logical sane friend who knows exactly what I am talking about and can help me out here. I need guidance.

i think too much

or at least i think i do. i've found myself talking to no one lately. Adjusting I suppose. I like the situation I am in. I like to think that I can be with someone who treats me fairly. picks me up from the red-box when i decided to walk home. Someone who laughs at me when I start singing along to a movie i've never seen (but only because he likes that kind of thing. who knew).

yeah i've lost things. but i've gained a lot. and even if things don't work out as sometimes happens to even the best of things, i know that i'm alright being by myself.

I don't need to go out to drink to feel happy. I went out and got an art studio instead.

so i hope for the best as these next several weeks drag past. (But oddly, they feel like they're speeding up!) And I hope that I will be missed and thought of in such regard as I do for this amazingly creative art student. Funny that I never saw him like this before.

Boring part: the part in which i become all giddy and girly and drone on and on about how awesome said person is. and how i'm surprised i didn't notice it before, etc, etc, but seriously, i didn't know i would consider him as an ideal dating companion at first. he was just a friend that suddenly became more.

but alas, i am going off to Charlotte tomorrow. Not like there are that many people in greensboro that will miss me. But that's okay. I like the quiet now that I'm adjusting to it.

now i would say goodbye to my old friend but i think he's pretty much done with me. and i know that feelings are just a form of attachment and distance makes things seem stronger than they actually are. but being that the latching stage of adjustment has passed, i don't think it would be so big of a deal. whatever. either way, we'll see. no big deal.

it will be nice to see my family again.

the good, bad, ugly, ect

"in an octopus' garden in the shade" not really sure why that song is in my head.

my ex sent me a FB message that i ignored. yeah, i loved him. but he took my things and owes me so much money. i would say about 1,000$ (expensive harmonica, touch sensitive musical keyboard, rent deposit, computer and tripod he broke and countless things he threw out.) So i am not sticking around to hear him saw how we both messed up. because i know being apart from him is not a mistake.

i had a dream that some omniscient voice (kind of like a fairy godmother or the good fairy in oz...) was trying to teach me life lessons. I was exploring a house and wanted to go away from somewhere. I'm not sure where. I came across a path that was new to me. i saw stairs that started out of reach and asked the voice why i couldn't go there. She said i could if i wanted to. and i didn't question the fact that there were no stairs. I just walked towards them with confidence and a path was made for me. She was trying to tell me that i can make my own path if i just wanted to. that i can bridge the gap with will alone.


now i am listening to the beatles's song i quoted.

and leaving this page open for the next 2 hours.. i ended up posting a facebook blog instead.... oh the silly things i do.
i have the heccups today.

so i had to ward off a crazy person recently. the kind of crazy that seems normal on the outside. They just give you that moment of hesitance about them..

and in the mean time, I've decided i need to relax a bit. If this relationship I have briefly mentioned is to work (or not) i need to give myself the permission to just relax and understand that I have the potential in me. I don't need to look for anyone to be with for two major reasons: if this relationship does work out great, and if it doesn't i have nothing to risk if I invest security in myself.

I liked the security of not having to date anybody. I just have to remind myself that I still have that security. I just no longer have the luxury of consistent attention. And this is something I need to reinvest in the form of success in a career. Because I may miss the feeling of romance and the feeling of being close to someone i care about but I am not really missing it at all. It's just on pause.

I've got to feel happy with my independence to appreciate the time apart. I've got to move on from the flattery that some strangers try and provide because it's shallow in comparison. I'm sick of males misinterpreting things. I need to stand up for myself. Being in shape and caring about one's appearance is not an open invitation to creeps!!! Standing at the bus stop does not mean honk at me! It really is getting old. So, I am quite alright with a guy who gives me less of his time, currently.

My friend Colin quit his job this week and moved out to taylorsville. I'm not sure what to think about that. I guess I'm worried about his health. At least I got to say goodbye briefly before he left. But I hope he's okay. He says he's happy out there..

time to go to work.

repression

I did all of my homework today with time to spare. I'm fighting off melatonin just for a little bit longer. I was kind of upset today because I'm torn up about getting into a relationship. I don't play games so unclear communication always gets me.

I just know that a relationship is something i enjoy. It is a direction I would like to take myself. I like the possibilities within it. But I'm also scared of it. Ya know, if I have a child naturally there is a high probability of me giving them a genetic disorder. And that obviously is not an easy thing to deal with. I have been so afraid of the issue that I have forced many if not most thoughts about it out of my mind.

And I am not saying these things are always a natural progression in every relationship. I just know that thinking about having kids one day makes me want to be a better and more stable person. And I had been awfully depressed lately.

Well, even if this relationship becomes just another potential I have blogged about, I have learned something new about how I treat people. And I really need to improve. I regret that I have not been honest with some male friends of mine who have wanted more out of the situation in terms of dating but I couldn't get the nerve to just straight up shoot them down. That is one of the most difficult situations to be in, I know. But I went ahead and did it anyway. I feel pretty bad about it.

It would always be easier to say that I was with someone.. or a lesbian even. For some reason I find it harder to just tell someone. I don't have to be in a relationship to turn someone down!

I am loyal when I have my heart set on something. But trust is something i have to work on.
and forgiveness if he lets me down.

getting back in step

so i went on a blind date last night. It was pretty terrible. Turns out this guy had many many undesirable traits. First most, I don't mean to sound pretentious - even if i am - but I can't date someone with a thick southern accent who can't write or communicate with people in my city. He admitted to being loud and culturally ignorant and was proud of it.

So I started drinking and hitting on the barista. Ordered a few rounds of soy-mocha-lattes and some stella artois. I was talking to this older man about how I felt so much older than I am. He bought me a drink and told me about his well planned out trip to go to Scotland and see his namesake castle. He's going to rent coconuts at the castle monty python was filmed at! I enjoyed the conversation and took the last bus home at 11:30pm.

In the silence, the alcohol continued to set in. I memorized the bus routes so well at this point that I made it home just fine. I foolishly let the negative feelings get to me. Of course this is when the i start drunken texting apparently. And futilely using facebook chat to try and feel better about my situation. I started blogging in Spanish for some reason. But decided I needed some sleep.

I took melatonin at about 1 am. As soon as I pop it under my tongue anticipating sleep I get a phone call to go out. It is a grad student in the art department. I went to the collage exhibit with him a few weeks ago. He is one of two friends I know who drive a van.

When we left to go to the bar I was still thinking partially in Spanish. Last call was very near. I said some sentence entirely in Spanish and I think he mostly understood me. I have spanish grammar problems.

After last call we hung out outside my place so he could smoke a cigarette on my porch. He commented that, indeed, that porch is very red. Nothing was said about the UNC floor mat I dumpstered to cover an old one that decided to proclaim my house as "the nut house" and insisted that nuts and trees are in close proximity when separated by gravitational forces.

Something was on the history channel. We stopped to watch it for a bit after heading inside. I got very excited to see an episode of Venture Brothers but realized it was old and I've seen it before. It was time for me to pass out and time for him to go back home. So an altogether good night. Other than the drinking, tipsy blogging, and dunexting (that is drunk-texting).

May. 29th, 2010

necesito hablo en espanol. mi espanol es mal. (pero quere habla en espanol) he tenido una amor por ocho anos. pero mi amor no quiera yo. porque ello es mi amigo? porque yo no se. yo soy depreso ahora. cerveza no es por amor. el es a la depresamos. mi vida son una depresiamos a veces.

I ask myself at times why i am here. I am still lacking a definitive answer. I got tired of typing in spanish and using a bit of the translator.

I really don't like this life I live. I have no choice, though. Here I am and forward I must go. even if that space ahead is an empty road and I go it all (con yo solo).

The hangman. the hermit. It is not a choice I meant to take but I did. and I am regretting it. All of the shallow people i meet who only want.. and all of the people i meet who refuse to be my friend.


I'm not happy at the moment. But i will continue to go forward even if I have no where to go. only a vague semblance of a destination.

but it is getting increasingly more difficult to want my job or my life.

but amor is such a strong word.
Even if I fall on my face, I never fall all the way to the ground.

I'm in my little cubicle of my own making. Amazing screen, pink mouse and very sexy wireless keys! I've got a cutting mat in front of me for any impromptu art projects. My command center. (I recently thought it might be cool to cast an actual computer 'geek' in command center film roles..)

I'm liking my place here. But I'll never truly be on my own. Not with my job only providing minimal pay, my lack of transportation and the employment conditions. I'll be owing the state this education money. And I doubt many in my generation we be able to pay it back! Maybe we are overvaluing our college educations. Yes, they are important, but they don't give back! So they are worth less (not worthless.) But, really, what can it accomplish for me?

I met a friend from Saudi the other day. He built plans for hundreds of buildings, many of which are already built in places like Egypt, Shanghai and (I forget what city) in India. They say he is overqualified and undereducated. He couldn't get enough American college credits. And English isn't one of his top languages. For obvious reasons, when you write in Arabic then in English, it's like learning how to write all over again.

Of course, meanwhile, I am trying my best to get A's but I think I am just not meant to get them.

Watching MacGrueber, earlier, I noticed just how much I get that humor.. The Name sake character looks like a 'lion' I used to date. Mane and all. They even act sarcastically the same. That movie also has some highly non-cinematic sex scenes. Good stuff! It made my Arabic friend feel very awkward. Ha! He even covered my eyes! (Movie theaters always bring back memories.)

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Oh man, am I really conducting conversations with my roommate from my commander's seat? If I could live here.. would i ever get up?