I've had weird dreams lately. Most of them have been about people i haven't thought of in a while. I just have to learn to relax. Let life come as it will and be patient. so much easier said than done.
school: i've got 3 semesters left. Spring '10, Fall '10, Spring '11 then I'm done. I can go ahead and apply for a better job. Party City will be alright for a while. I get to work on stock - "freight"- and shelving with a little bit of balloon counter and cash register (so easy i could do that part in my sleep, probably).
so, my grandmother passed away this year after about a year or two of doctor's stays. It was a long time coming. But after she passed away, I got to see an old album from near the end of WWII and right before the Vietnam War. My grandfather was quiet a ladies' man before he met my grandmother. There was a picture of him in Nara, Japan with his arms around a Japanese woman named "Penny" or something. And there was a picture of Tokyo in 1954. Really neat album but i left it with my sister in Charlotte. so I can't upload it or anything.
My dad actually gave me a birthday/Christmas present when I was in Charlotte. Surprised me, actually.
school: i've got 3 semesters left. Spring '10, Fall '10, Spring '11 then I'm done. I can go ahead and apply for a better job. Party City will be alright for a while. I get to work on stock - "freight"- and shelving with a little bit of balloon counter and cash register (so easy i could do that part in my sleep, probably).
so, my grandmother passed away this year after about a year or two of doctor's stays. It was a long time coming. But after she passed away, I got to see an old album from near the end of WWII and right before the Vietnam War. My grandfather was quiet a ladies' man before he met my grandmother. There was a picture of him in Nara, Japan with his arms around a Japanese woman named "Penny" or something. And there was a picture of Tokyo in 1954. Really neat album but i left it with my sister in Charlotte. so I can't upload it or anything.
My dad actually gave me a birthday/Christmas present when I was in Charlotte. Surprised me, actually.
I'm like a disease; a virus that posts after months of remission. Sitting, lurking in obscurity to jump back into your scope of existence!
RAH!
I've been stweing in my dyslexic prison of a mind!
No, actually I've just been working and living vicariously through myself, as they say. Yes, Dos Equis. Mmhmm.
Speaking of remission.. i've got an ovarian cyst. So that's good. Wednesday is its viewing for the medical public ( namely, and specifically my new doctor.) The weekend is my sister's wedding. No, not the younger one. She's not even 6 yet. (not saying there is a correlation with marriage and the age of 6, obviously.) But there is a road trip in store for me.
I was supposed to go on one on Monday but, alas, I have been called in. Instead I will be helping children pick out costumes from our Probable-China-Sweatshop Wall of Plastic and Vinyl Nightmares!!! Or the Costume wall.
I really want to take a road trip. Maybe I can move to the UK. Or just stay there for an extended vacation?
RAH!
I've been stweing in my dyslexic prison of a mind!
No, actually I've just been working and living vicariously through myself, as they say. Yes, Dos Equis. Mmhmm.
Speaking of remission.. i've got an ovarian cyst. So that's good. Wednesday is its viewing for the medical public ( namely, and specifically my new doctor.) The weekend is my sister's wedding. No, not the younger one. She's not even 6 yet. (not saying there is a correlation with marriage and the age of 6, obviously.) But there is a road trip in store for me.
I was supposed to go on one on Monday but, alas, I have been called in. Instead I will be helping children pick out costumes from our Probable-China-Sweatshop Wall of Plastic and Vinyl Nightmares!!! Or the Costume wall.
I really want to take a road trip. Maybe I can move to the UK. Or just stay there for an extended vacation?
first item i am cooking up: vegan black bean brownies.
here is my modified recipe based from here. Based on what I have.
(Mix dry ingredients together before adding the liquids.)
1 1/2 Cups Flower
1 tsp Salt
1 tsp Baking Powder
2 3/4 Cups Sugar (sugar-in-the-raw or something similar)
1 1/4 Cups of chocolate soy protein (any coco powder works. this is all i had that was vegan)
Cinnamon and Nutmeg to taste (1 tablespoon total should be fine)
4 tsp Wheat germ
1 cup dehydrated black beans (dehydrated overnight in orange juice)
1 cup water
after mixing the dry ingredients, add the wet ones. mix well (and all that junk). grease a pan with coconut oil, and poor in. preheat and cook on 350. rotate when 50% done. will take about 40 minutes total.
here is my modified recipe based from here. Based on what I have.
(Mix dry ingredients together before adding the liquids.)
1 1/2 Cups Flower
1 tsp Salt
1 tsp Baking Powder
2 3/4 Cups Sugar (sugar-in-the-raw or something similar)
1 1/4 Cups of chocolate soy protein (any coco powder works. this is all i had that was vegan)
Cinnamon and Nutmeg to taste (1 tablespoon total should be fine)
4 tsp Wheat germ
1 cup dehydrated black beans (dehydrated overnight in orange juice)
1 cup water
after mixing the dry ingredients, add the wet ones. mix well (and all that junk). grease a pan with coconut oil, and poor in. preheat and cook on 350. rotate when 50% done. will take about 40 minutes total.
the last Californian I met was a douche.
now i imagine the whole place as just clones of him. Oh God. what a hell hole that would be. It's the same as saying all of north carolina is made up of fat rich white people with low IQs. Although it's partially correct, there are still a few others of us here...
needless to say, i am spending my three weeks in Cali and I am COMING HOME.
Seriously...
now i imagine the whole place as just clones of him. Oh God. what a hell hole that would be. It's the same as saying all of north carolina is made up of fat rich white people with low IQs. Although it's partially correct, there are still a few others of us here...
needless to say, i am spending my three weeks in Cali and I am COMING HOME.
Seriously...
so when i woke up yesterday, i made myself breakfast and found a letter on my door telling me i am getting evicted. i broke down. i wondered why i was even alive. i was so depressed i couldn't even type. i seriously thought about dying. i had given up on almost everything. i texted my ex boyfriend to tell him his credit is about to be fucked up and headed upstairs to see Amber and Colin -my best friends. they didn't hear me knock so i called Amber's cell to let me in. no answer. i heard them talking inside. so i waited.
next thing i know Colin and Kaleb are at the door. i had never met Kaleb before this moment. i felt like i knew him instantly. i was so confused by the situation i almost accidentally gave him a hug instead of shaking his hand. seriously, everything was that hazy for me. my eyes had barely even dried, quite literally. ten to twenty minutes later we're planning a trip out of this town. he tells me he wants to go to Canada if I paid for the gas. and I said ok. and figured i'd sleep on it. we hang out around the place until that gets boring and Kaleb noodles around with playing dj. i suggest getting some of Colin's favorite dollar energy drink to get out of the place. everyone agrees to it. We consider driving down but we decided against it- which was ridiculous in retrospect.
we walk down Tate street, with ominous clouds overhead. And make it into the convenience store for a couple of drinks. one dollar energy, a two liter of sprite. i wanted coffee, my recent addiction. so we head across the street. besides, i pointed out, it was starting to rain again. Amber wanted some coffee anyway, so it worked out. i got the 'clockwork orange' hot, amber got it cold, and Kaleb got a regular coffee. i challenged Kaleb to a game of chess, and played a single game and lost. He wanted a victory cigarette, so we headed out. a sheet of rain was beating down, delaying our plans. Kaleb sat in front of the coffee shop window with his feet out. i sat near by.
the rain started to pick up at our feet. Colin warned us of the rising waters. we got up and finished the cigarette in the doorway. the wind pressed down harder and the thunder picked up. the sidewalk became a river quite suddenly. i didn't want to leave... but we went inside for a bit. like a kitty cat, i wanted out again. i wait for them to follow and head out. a barefoot couple walked past me under a crumpled umbrella urging me to take off my shoes. i comply happily, setting them beside the coffee shop door. I give amber my cell so i can dance in the rain. the three watch me make a fool of myself.
i look back to the door and notice the river i am dancing in has reached the toe of my shoes. i move them up a bit, closer to the door. the water seems to chase them higher. i stop dancing and hold my shoes in my hands. i look inside the shop where a couple is seated and they look out at us as the water starts to rise more than before. i point urgently as the water pours under the door. everyone starts to talk at the same time. Kaleb's loafers are submerged, Colin had taken off his shoes and Amber was holding her sandals. a neighbor runs over into the store to get a mop and bucket. i scoff at the thought. the water rushes in as we do. we close the door behind us. the workers start to panic a bit. a girl looks in the cooler for an emergency contact number, the man paces the store. the water rises to ankle level at the door, and a foot high on the other side. the door is stuck closed.
we walk back and forth in the store as the water starts to rise. the people in the back were unaware of the crisis in the front. i walk back and tell them to watch their electronics because water is entering the store. the looked up with a blank expression and i walked away. the staff is trying to access the situation and regain some sort of control over the water. they spend some time in the backroom. we spend some time walking around in it.
............
long story short. i wake up in time to see the sun come up in that early morning glow.
i have to make the best of things today. everything isn't going to keep me holding on. i'll have to do that myself i guess.
next thing i know Colin and Kaleb are at the door. i had never met Kaleb before this moment. i felt like i knew him instantly. i was so confused by the situation i almost accidentally gave him a hug instead of shaking his hand. seriously, everything was that hazy for me. my eyes had barely even dried, quite literally. ten to twenty minutes later we're planning a trip out of this town. he tells me he wants to go to Canada if I paid for the gas. and I said ok. and figured i'd sleep on it. we hang out around the place until that gets boring and Kaleb noodles around with playing dj. i suggest getting some of Colin's favorite dollar energy drink to get out of the place. everyone agrees to it. We consider driving down but we decided against it- which was ridiculous in retrospect.
we walk down Tate street, with ominous clouds overhead. And make it into the convenience store for a couple of drinks. one dollar energy, a two liter of sprite. i wanted coffee, my recent addiction. so we head across the street. besides, i pointed out, it was starting to rain again. Amber wanted some coffee anyway, so it worked out. i got the 'clockwork orange' hot, amber got it cold, and Kaleb got a regular coffee. i challenged Kaleb to a game of chess, and played a single game and lost. He wanted a victory cigarette, so we headed out. a sheet of rain was beating down, delaying our plans. Kaleb sat in front of the coffee shop window with his feet out. i sat near by.
the rain started to pick up at our feet. Colin warned us of the rising waters. we got up and finished the cigarette in the doorway. the wind pressed down harder and the thunder picked up. the sidewalk became a river quite suddenly. i didn't want to leave... but we went inside for a bit. like a kitty cat, i wanted out again. i wait for them to follow and head out. a barefoot couple walked past me under a crumpled umbrella urging me to take off my shoes. i comply happily, setting them beside the coffee shop door. I give amber my cell so i can dance in the rain. the three watch me make a fool of myself.
i look back to the door and notice the river i am dancing in has reached the toe of my shoes. i move them up a bit, closer to the door. the water seems to chase them higher. i stop dancing and hold my shoes in my hands. i look inside the shop where a couple is seated and they look out at us as the water starts to rise more than before. i point urgently as the water pours under the door. everyone starts to talk at the same time. Kaleb's loafers are submerged, Colin had taken off his shoes and Amber was holding her sandals. a neighbor runs over into the store to get a mop and bucket. i scoff at the thought. the water rushes in as we do. we close the door behind us. the workers start to panic a bit. a girl looks in the cooler for an emergency contact number, the man paces the store. the water rises to ankle level at the door, and a foot high on the other side. the door is stuck closed.
we walk back and forth in the store as the water starts to rise. the people in the back were unaware of the crisis in the front. i walk back and tell them to watch their electronics because water is entering the store. the looked up with a blank expression and i walked away. the staff is trying to access the situation and regain some sort of control over the water. they spend some time in the backroom. we spend some time walking around in it.
............
long story short. i wake up in time to see the sun come up in that early morning glow.
i have to make the best of things today. everything isn't going to keep me holding on. i'll have to do that myself i guess.
i've never had friends like this before. i'm keeping my own grounds, and everything. i'll envy these days one day. if i only make it though them. Today is going to be a more quiet day, i think. I had a full night sleep
when you love someone, you give them the key to the part of you that you never show. when its over, you try and change the locks. but sometimes, you don't change the locks fast enough, and someone sneaks in and fucks up your stuff.
i need help.
when you love someone, you give them the key to the part of you that you never show. when its over, you try and change the locks. but sometimes, you don't change the locks fast enough, and someone sneaks in and fucks up your stuff.
i need help.
"I'm moving far away to the other side of town. hope i won't see you around."
in my dream we talked it out on the phone line
you said it'd be like a reality show
i said that would be cool with me
you seemed so calm and so sure
and i was enjoying you
we went around a corner
and i knew i liked being by your side
even if we're far away
even if it's just a thought
i think i'll give you my keyboard
or sell it to you for very cheap
i offered it in my dream
but didn't have the heart to make you pay
but asked instead if i could stay
and you didn't seem to mind
having me around.
in my dream we talked it out on the phone line
you said it'd be like a reality show
i said that would be cool with me
you seemed so calm and so sure
and i was enjoying you
we went around a corner
and i knew i liked being by your side
even if we're far away
even if it's just a thought
i think i'll give you my keyboard
or sell it to you for very cheap
i offered it in my dream
but didn't have the heart to make you pay
but asked instead if i could stay
and you didn't seem to mind
having me around.
my finger hurts.
friday 11am study, 12 pm test, 12:30 - a while hanging with Tiffany
sat: nothing till 6:45, going to amber's work at 7, study group around then, probably go out to eat at El Carraton, hanging with Matt and his Raliegh friends when tal gets off work. yay.
saturday > friday (maybe)
friday 11am study, 12 pm test, 12:30 - a while hanging with Tiffany
sat: nothing till 6:45, going to amber's work at 7, study group around then, probably go out to eat at El Carraton, hanging with Matt and his Raliegh friends when tal gets off work. yay.
saturday > friday (maybe)
i'm more in nature
less on vacant edge
with interest that hurts
a muse and note
who hears out?
i see how our used love did not take
but every interesting note lost out very evenly
when it took heed
i waste in subtle helplessness
hearing 'em kiss necks e. w.
and now dear,
for everything left to the heavy edge
save all mine 'ere
held in silence
not a maid 'evermore
i said
"my angel, that takes his errs with kindness,
only tender or ravish by air."
less on vacant edge
with interest that hurts
a muse and note
who hears out?
i see how our used love did not take
but every interesting note lost out very evenly
when it took heed
i waste in subtle helplessness
hearing 'em kiss necks e. w.
and now dear,
for everything left to the heavy edge
save all mine 'ere
held in silence
not a maid 'evermore
i said
"my angel, that takes his errs with kindness,
only tender or ravish by air."
in the ocean with no navigation
which way is the shore?
lacking naval education
we all are lost at sea
especially ME.
sorry, I have excess adrenaline to burn off.
which way is the shore?
lacking naval education
we all are lost at sea
especially ME.
sorry, I have excess adrenaline to burn off.
I smile, you retract
used to the dismay
used to the hate
the fumes of rage in your eyes
and the fear in mine
why do i run the endless relay
and loath the day
another day
and the great fear of..
screaming inside i smile
let day dreams take me away
6 hour retreat
golden brown eyes
share a smile
must i wake up from it?
drink a beer to forget
drink it and open up
friends are best for stress
can't seem to open up
can't shake it off
used to the dismay
used to the hate
the fumes of rage in your eyes
and the fear in mine
why do i run the endless relay
and loath the day
another day
and the great fear of..
screaming inside i smile
let day dreams take me away
6 hour retreat
golden brown eyes
share a smile
must i wake up from it?
drink a beer to forget
drink it and open up
friends are best for stress
can't seem to open up
can't shake it off
If society was thrust into wilderness, there would be an instantaneous population decrease. As soon as their ipods or ham radios died. Overtaken by suicides and bug phobias, the "not outdoorsy" type would last anywhere from a day to a week (some say under the hour). As for the random idiots, they said Zombies would be a good variable on how long they would last (idiots). The more reasonable types say it depends on the environment.
People still refuse to learn basic survival skills. Beyond canned food, many people are not prepared. there is no pressure to be prepared. Besides, until unemployment dries up, few will dare take up survivalism until the last moment. and that's assuming economic decline into wilderness. Other wise people hold out hope for FEMA and the like. But what if help never comes? What if it isn't all fixed overnight? People will just give up? Okay. more land for the survivalists.
People still refuse to learn basic survival skills. Beyond canned food, many people are not prepared. there is no pressure to be prepared. Besides, until unemployment dries up, few will dare take up survivalism until the last moment. and that's assuming economic decline into wilderness. Other wise people hold out hope for FEMA and the like. But what if help never comes? What if it isn't all fixed overnight? People will just give up? Okay. more land for the survivalists.
1)By far, one of the most ignorant/annoying thing to happen as of lately (10 years) in this culture is the Zombie craze. Maybe if they actually are just using this as a guise to prepare for actual end-type disasters instead of pretending that Zombie are coming it would be less useless. I mean I guess it does help that case a little. I am just waiting for the mental ill to take this way too far and start killing "Zombies" who are actual people. I can see this happening if any natural disaster wipes out the power or if people riot on the streets ever. This is stupid. I mean, I sure hope no one believes that crap anyway.
2)Stimulus is not a good idea. They are discussing more aggressive persuasion of the individual states to accept stimulus. Many decline. This is for a very logical reason: pumping money in can lead to an expedited decline. They want to expand Unemployment for the ones to benefit further down the line. This is also not wise. Not only will the money run out before they are employed in most cases, but also the amount of money spent here could be used far more constructively. This is what happens when rich people don't know what it is like to live poor, I guess. This also doesn't always encourage someone to prepare for the possible life without a job. (for a while)
Besides, if farming corn, wheat, soy and canola were actually made legal or easy, we wouldn't be in this big of a mess, would we. Other countries wouldn't be boycotting our Genetically Engineered crops, and small farms wouldn't be getting sued for the wind carrying GE crops into their field, and having their farms shut down or taken over. thanks guys.
When schools and industry are controlled by companies that only want blind profit, the decline is eminent. When science is bought out by religion and corporations, we are bound for trouble. Especial when we dumb-down the mass public and limit the amount of free thinkers we produce. It's truly sad when intelligent people are drugged and mocked instead of aloud to thrive. It's never a good sign when the more intelligent (the ones superseding me, I know) decided this system is s.o.l. and don't want any part. We are naive to think lowering the bar for intelligence is going to help us in the long run. We don't invent anything useful save for things convenient and profit making in the short term. How great living in a Capitalist nation... not.
I guess things are reforming. I am going into obscurity. I don't mind that. I'm tired of being a statistic, only. I also am not collecting Unemployment. Why weight on a failing system. In days like this where one job lends itself to over 100 applications, I dunno what the point is. I'm better off making it with what I have and planning out how I will live and eat. Becoming one of the masses living in transport.
When the "big guys" in suits purchase other lands with stolen blood, etc, and don't actually care where the money goes as long as its to them. Thinking they are royalty. And their pride is too strong to give a little. Why must we pay the price if we weren't happy with what we had and they charged us too much to live. If land was given as charity from the greedy banks and gov, we wouldn't have as much of a mess. If crops were given to be kept and grown by the unemployed. who would insure it was well kept, giving it the attention needed. or if bartering was considered acceptable and legal. if living without land is okay, too. if any of that happened. it could improve.
okay i'm tired of politics for today. I'm hungry. beh.
2)Stimulus is not a good idea. They are discussing more aggressive persuasion of the individual states to accept stimulus. Many decline. This is for a very logical reason: pumping money in can lead to an expedited decline. They want to expand Unemployment for the ones to benefit further down the line. This is also not wise. Not only will the money run out before they are employed in most cases, but also the amount of money spent here could be used far more constructively. This is what happens when rich people don't know what it is like to live poor, I guess. This also doesn't always encourage someone to prepare for the possible life without a job. (for a while)
Besides, if farming corn, wheat, soy and canola were actually made legal or easy, we wouldn't be in this big of a mess, would we. Other countries wouldn't be boycotting our Genetically Engineered crops, and small farms wouldn't be getting sued for the wind carrying GE crops into their field, and having their farms shut down or taken over. thanks guys.
When schools and industry are controlled by companies that only want blind profit, the decline is eminent. When science is bought out by religion and corporations, we are bound for trouble. Especial when we dumb-down the mass public and limit the amount of free thinkers we produce. It's truly sad when intelligent people are drugged and mocked instead of aloud to thrive. It's never a good sign when the more intelligent (the ones superseding me, I know) decided this system is s.o.l. and don't want any part. We are naive to think lowering the bar for intelligence is going to help us in the long run. We don't invent anything useful save for things convenient and profit making in the short term. How great living in a Capitalist nation... not.
I guess things are reforming. I am going into obscurity. I don't mind that. I'm tired of being a statistic, only. I also am not collecting Unemployment. Why weight on a failing system. In days like this where one job lends itself to over 100 applications, I dunno what the point is. I'm better off making it with what I have and planning out how I will live and eat. Becoming one of the masses living in transport.
When the "big guys" in suits purchase other lands with stolen blood, etc, and don't actually care where the money goes as long as its to them. Thinking they are royalty. And their pride is too strong to give a little. Why must we pay the price if we weren't happy with what we had and they charged us too much to live. If land was given as charity from the greedy banks and gov, we wouldn't have as much of a mess. If crops were given to be kept and grown by the unemployed. who would insure it was well kept, giving it the attention needed. or if bartering was considered acceptable and legal. if living without land is okay, too. if any of that happened. it could improve.
okay i'm tired of politics for today. I'm hungry. beh.
I have been juggling trying to figure out my future dreams and spending too much time online (updates and such). but i think i have a good grasp on my dreams.
after going to a bar so my boyfriend's friend could talk to him and getting chased off by a stalker - one of many, perhaps. :/ and that's not me exaggerating by much- i got haggled for a good hour. it was awkward. I had nowhere to go so it was just me and homeless guy waiting on the "super secret" conversation the other two were having which also involved some girl coming on to my boyfriend while i couldn't get away from old dude. (i even had a nightmare about this later!) it was so stupid. it made me feel so awkward! and I want to get out of this place. get out of this structure. and I DO NOT want to be homeless. Nomadic perhaps, but not homeless. aaaarrrg.
i wanted to go swoop in and mess up her game but i didn't. should have.
anyways. i want to forget that all even happened. stupid shit.
after going to a bar so my boyfriend's friend could talk to him and getting chased off by a stalker - one of many, perhaps. :/ and that's not me exaggerating by much- i got haggled for a good hour. it was awkward. I had nowhere to go so it was just me and homeless guy waiting on the "super secret" conversation the other two were having which also involved some girl coming on to my boyfriend while i couldn't get away from old dude. (i even had a nightmare about this later!) it was so stupid. it made me feel so awkward! and I want to get out of this place. get out of this structure. and I DO NOT want to be homeless. Nomadic perhaps, but not homeless. aaaarrrg.
i wanted to go swoop in and mess up her game but i didn't. should have.
anyways. i want to forget that all even happened. stupid shit.
I want to strike you from the list.
you piss me off
you're self adsorbed and so am i
it's not that you're something special
you- the disease that rots my mind
it's not that i'm too intense
i'm never one for subtle hints
its funny how a followed girl acts different
it's funny how stress can change your mind
it's funny how so many friends
turn out to be just lying.
i need a day job
i need a hobby that doesnt involve you.
(no this isn't directed at anyone here.)
you piss me off
you're self adsorbed and so am i
it's not that you're something special
you- the disease that rots my mind
it's not that i'm too intense
i'm never one for subtle hints
its funny how a followed girl acts different
it's funny how stress can change your mind
it's funny how so many friends
turn out to be just lying.
i need a day job
i need a hobby that doesnt involve you.
(no this isn't directed at anyone here.)
stress stress. endless stress.
my stomach turns from fear of the unknown.
passion pumps through my veins but i contain it
i can't explain it
how i'm always in a mess
how i always play this game
how there will always be something to miss
i'm sick of this
i wrote a punk song in my dream
of the million things i have to say
i wrote it all down but have nothing to say
and no where to say it
when all i feel is the bottom hand
and all i feel is alone
when all i care for is everything
and i am still alone
alone in me.
i almost got arrested for standing up for me
how does this always happen to me?
why does this happen around me?
why can't they see her lies
or believe me?
because i'm different.
because i don't smile all the time?
because i'm not medicated and pacified like they want me to be
because i still stand up for me?
even if i get arrested, even if i get banned of kicked out
that's just a part of me.
the repressed girl is angry in me
and i want to be truly free
i want to be the real me
peaceful and loving, and really free
i don't want to be used by the wasteful world
or told what to buy or do or say
i want to be something above this
i want to call a plea to all the low and helpless.
because we are not the lowest of the low.
we are the stepped on but we still have control
we just pacify it.
i have passion and fear all rolled into one
i research what i need to say
i live it and breath it every day.
i write signs and i protest in my head
but there is more to it.
this is not the way to do it
hate and violence breeds hate all the more
and i refuse to be their whore
i was to go on but it wouldn't make sense.
my stomach turns from fear of the unknown.
passion pumps through my veins but i contain it
i can't explain it
how i'm always in a mess
how i always play this game
how there will always be something to miss
i'm sick of this
i wrote a punk song in my dream
of the million things i have to say
i wrote it all down but have nothing to say
and no where to say it
when all i feel is the bottom hand
and all i feel is alone
when all i care for is everything
and i am still alone
alone in me.
i almost got arrested for standing up for me
how does this always happen to me?
why does this happen around me?
why can't they see her lies
or believe me?
because i'm different.
because i don't smile all the time?
because i'm not medicated and pacified like they want me to be
because i still stand up for me?
even if i get arrested, even if i get banned of kicked out
that's just a part of me.
the repressed girl is angry in me
and i want to be truly free
i want to be the real me
peaceful and loving, and really free
i don't want to be used by the wasteful world
or told what to buy or do or say
i want to be something above this
i want to call a plea to all the low and helpless.
because we are not the lowest of the low.
we are the stepped on but we still have control
we just pacify it.
i have passion and fear all rolled into one
i research what i need to say
i live it and breath it every day.
i write signs and i protest in my head
but there is more to it.
this is not the way to do it
hate and violence breeds hate all the more
and i refuse to be their whore
i was to go on but it wouldn't make sense.
i want to work on 'sustainability" shit with my boyfriend's friend/band mate but i don't want anyone to get the wrong impression. so i'm kind of at a self-placed road-block. he'd definitely get jealous but building/planning is his weak point and i don't want to do it all on my own. besides, he has some good ideas on the subject.
how do i always put myself into these traps? just too afraid to be on my own? needing someone to cuddle with at night? or maybe it is love. i donno. i know that i compromise a lot more than i feel like i should and it drives me crazy. in this situation it is understandable, i suppose. but i am tired of sitting here not getting anything done. or taking a step back in the opposite direction. when i get here i tend to over-analyze things and idealize them.
i'm just more than ready to move on from this little town. verbally bashing a girl i hate every time i see her on the street. just cause she tried to take my boyfriend from me, and used almost every guy i have known in this town. who lies and exploits people with a little "innocent" look on her cum shot face. it frustrates me knowing i could beat her up and knowing i wont. damn.
i'm tired of the piedmont. same weather for the most part, boring terrain, same old same old. i hate cold but i'm willing to go to the mountains for some reason. i am part of the "take to the hills, save yourself" movement mentality. but this is a bit of a compromise from my recent impulse desire to move to south america. ((sound familiar to anyone?))
regardless of any "situation" going on i am going to california this summer. i want to move after that. boone maybe. at least that's what we've been talking about. and i don't care about my grades anymore. stupid f-ed up system.
just being like this in waiting transition kind of drives me crazy. i want to do what i want when i want to but i have to compromise in favor of stability. and my dreams to fix that seem to be irrational as of yet. i can only stick to the hope that i can make a retreat for my family and friends. and hope that Tal's friend come with us. He's been recruited but doesn't know it yet because it's a situation i don't want to deal with yet. especially not until they find a new drummer (if they do). cause i want to be friends with the whole band, not just 2/3's of it if i have to live with them all.
bah.
life is life. such is life. etc.
how do i always put myself into these traps? just too afraid to be on my own? needing someone to cuddle with at night? or maybe it is love. i donno. i know that i compromise a lot more than i feel like i should and it drives me crazy. in this situation it is understandable, i suppose. but i am tired of sitting here not getting anything done. or taking a step back in the opposite direction. when i get here i tend to over-analyze things and idealize them.
i'm just more than ready to move on from this little town. verbally bashing a girl i hate every time i see her on the street. just cause she tried to take my boyfriend from me, and used almost every guy i have known in this town. who lies and exploits people with a little "innocent" look on her cum shot face. it frustrates me knowing i could beat her up and knowing i wont. damn.
i'm tired of the piedmont. same weather for the most part, boring terrain, same old same old. i hate cold but i'm willing to go to the mountains for some reason. i am part of the "take to the hills, save yourself" movement mentality. but this is a bit of a compromise from my recent impulse desire to move to south america. ((sound familiar to anyone?))
regardless of any "situation" going on i am going to california this summer. i want to move after that. boone maybe. at least that's what we've been talking about. and i don't care about my grades anymore. stupid f-ed up system.
just being like this in waiting transition kind of drives me crazy. i want to do what i want when i want to but i have to compromise in favor of stability. and my dreams to fix that seem to be irrational as of yet. i can only stick to the hope that i can make a retreat for my family and friends. and hope that Tal's friend come with us. He's been recruited but doesn't know it yet because it's a situation i don't want to deal with yet. especially not until they find a new drummer (if they do). cause i want to be friends with the whole band, not just 2/3's of it if i have to live with them all.
bah.
life is life. such is life. etc.
Not for me. I am a determined person. Even if i have to go alone and stay in a tent somewhere in tent city Sacramento, I would do it.
I'm kind of glad to see my friends out and about doing adventure type things.
i'm saving what I can, selling things I can't. And maybe it will all work out? I am having a yard sale on the same day I'm going to an artist reception for my work. Oh how I love saying that. "Artist reception for my work".. I know from time to time that I am okay loosing most possessions I have, as I have been prepared to do since I was a child. I used to sit and think of how i would escape my house in a very short time if I had to, and what I would take.
As for nerdy-ness, I am really liking this chapter in my Landform Processes class. We are discussing the different theories on how the NC Mountain, Piedmont and Coastal formations occurred. I was actually wondering about that a lot recently. And also the rise and fall of the actual Sea Level in correlation to Base level and how that effects changes in landform erosion... Very interesting stuff, really.
Friday I may go downtown to see a few "First Friday" gallery openings and receptions. Saturday I am free till 5:30pm and I am doing Birthday Stuff with Tal. He's turning.. what.. 24 I think. Sunday, again, nothing. I may have to work on my art project on one of those days, though. Assuming I can get in the building.
I hate that i say "i" so often.
Blah blah blah.
If I had to go to Cali alone, would anyone care to join me? This trip may involve Tenting/Camping, hitch-hiking (with an internet resource), Couch Hopping, viewing art exhibits (a bit), site seeing (for as cheap as possible), a 50$ ticket to Disneyland, 99$ + tax for return bus, about 220$ ish for train ride (unless someone is willing to drive and split gas costs. I don't have my license or a car), and probably less than 100$ for other expenses. and availability from July 26/27 -> August 23ish.
perks - Really cheap Disney 1 park, 1 day ticket, total of about 450$ of expenses, an awesome trip
cons- tenting, eating cheap food (dry foods, carrots, nuts, and other cheap, healthy bulk foods), a bit of roughin-it, a whole month in cali and a long trip out (4 days most times.)
I am not staying in a hotel unless it's free. so don't bring valuables unless you plan on storing them in your car. I am willing to sleep in a car to save the money. Also I am planning on buying a tent and a large water jug.
If more than one person wants to go, that's cool too. Sadly, I can only do the 50$ disney ticket for one person. if we added more people we'd have to either split the cost of more tickets amongst all of us, or each person will be paying for themselves (if anyone has an august birthday before the departure date, they could go to disney for free as well, but it would have to be on a different date (unless it happened to also be aug 18). Or if anyone has friends or family in the area, they may be able to get cheap tickets that way as well...)
Yes, this is a very well considered trip. But there is also a lot of room for deviations. If anyone is interested, I can give more details.
In my opinion, the more the merrier. and I'm going regardless.
but seriously, any one that wants to go, can. If anyone has any other ideas, pit stops, friend/family that can help, site seeing ideas (thoughts include Salt Lake city, UT, Grand Canyon, even out to Boston, MA is a thought... seriously.) I am very flexable on this. and determined to do it on the cheep. Please let me know, I'd love company. and I'd love to go with people as excited about it as me! or as willing.
I'm kind of glad to see my friends out and about doing adventure type things.
i'm saving what I can, selling things I can't. And maybe it will all work out? I am having a yard sale on the same day I'm going to an artist reception for my work. Oh how I love saying that. "Artist reception for my work".. I know from time to time that I am okay loosing most possessions I have, as I have been prepared to do since I was a child. I used to sit and think of how i would escape my house in a very short time if I had to, and what I would take.
As for nerdy-ness, I am really liking this chapter in my Landform Processes class. We are discussing the different theories on how the NC Mountain, Piedmont and Coastal formations occurred. I was actually wondering about that a lot recently. And also the rise and fall of the actual Sea Level in correlation to Base level and how that effects changes in landform erosion... Very interesting stuff, really.
Friday I may go downtown to see a few "First Friday" gallery openings and receptions. Saturday I am free till 5:30pm and I am doing Birthday Stuff with Tal. He's turning.. what.. 24 I think. Sunday, again, nothing. I may have to work on my art project on one of those days, though. Assuming I can get in the building.
I hate that i say "i" so often.
Blah blah blah.
If I had to go to Cali alone, would anyone care to join me? This trip may involve Tenting/Camping, hitch-hiking (with an internet resource), Couch Hopping, viewing art exhibits (a bit), site seeing (for as cheap as possible), a 50$ ticket to Disneyland, 99$ + tax for return bus, about 220$ ish for train ride (unless someone is willing to drive and split gas costs. I don't have my license or a car), and probably less than 100$ for other expenses. and availability from July 26/27 -> August 23ish.
perks - Really cheap Disney 1 park, 1 day ticket, total of about 450$ of expenses, an awesome trip
cons- tenting, eating cheap food (dry foods, carrots, nuts, and other cheap, healthy bulk foods), a bit of roughin-it, a whole month in cali and a long trip out (4 days most times.)
I am not staying in a hotel unless it's free. so don't bring valuables unless you plan on storing them in your car. I am willing to sleep in a car to save the money. Also I am planning on buying a tent and a large water jug.
If more than one person wants to go, that's cool too. Sadly, I can only do the 50$ disney ticket for one person. if we added more people we'd have to either split the cost of more tickets amongst all of us, or each person will be paying for themselves (if anyone has an august birthday before the departure date, they could go to disney for free as well, but it would have to be on a different date (unless it happened to also be aug 18). Or if anyone has friends or family in the area, they may be able to get cheap tickets that way as well...)
Yes, this is a very well considered trip. But there is also a lot of room for deviations. If anyone is interested, I can give more details.
In my opinion, the more the merrier. and I'm going regardless.
but seriously, any one that wants to go, can. If anyone has any other ideas, pit stops, friend/family that can help, site seeing ideas (thoughts include Salt Lake city, UT, Grand Canyon, even out to Boston, MA is a thought... seriously.) I am very flexable on this. and determined to do it on the cheep. Please let me know, I'd love company. and I'd love to go with people as excited about it as me! or as willing.
So lately I have been real busy and interested in the art around me again. Bettering myself at drawing; seeing the world around me; writing; reading. I have been having a lot of fun unemployed. I don't think I ever want to go back. And if my art sells for the 75$ I bit for it to be, I'll be quite set and happy. Can you imagine? wow. I can't. To have sold my first work of art? Even if it doesn't sell, it will be real amazing for it to be shown in a gallery type setting, as it will be on Wednesday. Woo! I mean it's cool and all to have my work shown on a poster but the earlier ones didn't really count because it wasn't all done by me. I think that I have gotten better, though. And I feel as though I have more confidence in making a whole work of art from scratch. More than just craft and object based art. But drawing real people. That always kind of scares me. I have been practicing like crazy but I never feel quite good enough. I still fudge on the fingers and tend to hide them behind the figure in my compositions. I have worked like crazy trying to perfect feet.. and ankles still tend to get me. I guess I actually feel far more comfortable working and drawing from the real thing than I am at imagining the figure as of yet.
I am anxious for the 1st. Just to see what I am up against. I am sure there will be some stiff competition. I know a lot of people in this area are good at regular sculptures and sculpting metal, glass and other things I have no experience in yet. Hopefully they will all be crappy drawings.. but it is an art town. and I bet more than a few people put in as much time as me (or more).
speaking of time, I haven't spent too much out-off-class time on my art project due next week in my intermediate drawing class. I'm sure it will be fine but i may have to cram to finish it this weekend... eek.
Random thing: contractions are strange.. the spell check processor kept saying i spelled them incorrectly (i hadn't) and it was really confusing me. wait, isn't "hadn't" spelled right? bah. i think i'm unlearning the English language over time. sad really. and I wanted to learn another language when i havn't perfected this one? bah.
I am anxious for the 1st. Just to see what I am up against. I am sure there will be some stiff competition. I know a lot of people in this area are good at regular sculptures and sculpting metal, glass and other things I have no experience in yet. Hopefully they will all be crappy drawings.. but it is an art town. and I bet more than a few people put in as much time as me (or more).
speaking of time, I haven't spent too much out-off-class time on my art project due next week in my intermediate drawing class. I'm sure it will be fine but i may have to cram to finish it this weekend... eek.
Random thing: contractions are strange.. the spell check processor kept saying i spelled them incorrectly (i hadn't) and it was really confusing me. wait, isn't "hadn't" spelled right? bah. i think i'm unlearning the English language over time. sad really. and I wanted to learn another language when i havn't perfected this one? bah.
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